… so 2008.
I have decided to make a list of everything that died when the clock hit midnight on January 1st:
1. Perezhilton.com
Perez totally peaked. He used to be fun to read, but then he started thinking he was famous, and forgot that people were really logging on to read shit on celebrities, not Perez. I also think it’s laughable that he tries to pass his site off as his own, when you know he probably has writers doing his job now while he is making appearances. I have to hand it to him, though, he did make some serious lemonade out of his lemons.
Anyways, that’s totally ‘08. Check out Dlisted.com for an old school Perez vibe. But, this leads me to my next dead:
2. Celeb-stalking
There is only 3 times where it’s acceptable to log on to any of the aforementioned:
- Someone died (we eat that shit up, for real- US <3’s Death, So GOTH)
- Someone loves drugs a lot. And I am not talking, “So and so enters rehab out of the blue!” I want some crazy shit, like Britney Spears circa 2007. Or Lindsey Lohan and her cocaine. That was totally worth a page view. PS, while I am at it, Lindsey Lohan is so 2008.
And lastly,
-You have randomly made it in the background of a picture, or you’re dating a celebrity.
That’s it. Every other time is a total faux pas, k?
3. Texting
Twitter is the new text. Unless it’s a dirty text. Also, please note that “lol” is only funny and cute if you are funny or cute. “lol” is gross, and totally 2004, so I shouldn’t even have to point this out.
4. Casual Sex
Being a slut was so 2008.
5. Katy Perry
I’m over it.
6. Ed Hardy Clothing, Affliction Tees, and anything else you see a guido on the street wearing.
Which I shouldn’t even have to reiterate, because I talk about it enough to where you should know. I can’t tell you the look on my face when I entered my mother’s closet a couple of months ago and found these. A piece of my heart died.
7. Just delete your Myspace, ok?
Music is the only exception.
8. Family on Facebook
It was cool at first (actually, “cool” can’t describe having family on Facebook, it’s more like “nice”) and then all of a sudden, every family member who you wouldn’t want to share a bottle of wine with signs up to view your life. Let’s just stick with once or twice a year email before a big event. PS, “Why is my Uncle poking me?” should never be an acceptable question. Ever.
9. Black Liquid Leggings
I’m going to go ahead and just call that. But don’t worry, I have totally broken this one, too. Go ahead and give yourself a couple more weeks to say goodbye.
10. Showers
I’m sorry, but I hope I am not the only one who is appalled with these Axe Shampoo and Conditioner commercials, claiming men have a bad-hair epidemic. I like my men dirty and unclean. Showering was so 2008.
The following is a list of things that are just dead forever, have been dead forever, and won’t ever be cool again:
-Tanning Beds
-Fake Nails (or “slut nails” as I like to refer to them)
Hopefully I just bettered the world.
